Baby Blues?

This post is a snippet from some writing I'm doing for a class I'm taking. I chose post- partum depression as my topic. Today it occurred to me, as I was looking through some of my snippets, that I should post some of it here. I know I write VERY sporadically and that's not ' good blogging practice'; I'm so tired all the time...
But there are some people out there, like I was, looking for something to read that will give them a sense of connection in the crazy world of single parent hood and I want to contribute. I rely on that connection also.

Post partum depression:
The first few months of motherhood are not what you think. From the moment my daughter first squawked, darkness crept in. It was dark in the hospital bed, dark in the shower, dark while I tried to get her to latch. I cried while trying to figure out the swaddle and hold her squirmy body in the sink. She chomped hard with her gums on my nipples, frustrated that I was only producing colostrum. She seemed to only lie still for momentary lapses.
I couldn’t relax, so I couldn’t sleep. I lied awake and stared at the ceiling and listened to the nurses chatter at their station and watched the clock tick. I felt alone.
Nurses came and gave me disapproving looks. Nobody offered to hold her.
I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t stand upright. I just wanted to rest. I didn’t get a proper rest until December of that year. She was born August 27.
For many,the first few months of motherhood aren’t cuddles, sleeping, eye gazing and giggles. It’s mainly frustration, anxiety and grief; particularly if you are going it alone.
Adjusting to a totally new way of life is frustrating.
Being responsible for another human being’s survival is anxiety building.
Realizing your life will never, ever, ever be as it was before is depressing.

My values and Hers.

A couple of weeks ago my daughter created a serious moment. She stopped the busy task she had been doing and said, "mama? I have a question."

"What is your question", I asked.

She took what seemed to be a deep breath and said, "MAY I have a pet?"

Oh gad no! She is asking me for a pet? At four years old??? Help me! I can barely take care of herself and myself. There is no effin' way I can handle a pet?

But she seems to have thought this through so I asked her what kind of pet she wanted.
She replied, "a fish, or a cameleon......

A cameleon? Ya right.

So, I ended the moment by promising to think about it and get back to her.

Tonight - approximately two whole weeks later - she asked again. "Mommy... when can I get my pet?"

Here is the thing. I have an issue with people who keep fish for pets. I think it is circus like. I think it's twisted to keep a living thing trapped for our viewing pleasure. Lots of people I know do it but it's not for me.

And - you know! This kid is starting to challenge me!!! First with the Barbies and now fish!
I cringe inwardly every time I have to play 'barbies'. People have suggested that Barbie is different now that she is 'Career Barbie'

Whatever! she is still wearing high heels and a top that barely covers her boobs. Furthermore she is wearing more makeup these days than any barbie of the past. Barbie doesn't look like ANY WOMAN I know. It's reinforcing an ideal of 'woman' that my daughter will never obtain, thus paving the way for self esteem damage down the line!

And isn't it a bit ironic that we play: Barbie gets married and has a family- when I'm not married?

Where do I put my foot down? I didn't realize parenting would be so political!

Do I get her a fish?

Tired?

Did you wake up at 200 am to watch the wedding?

Did you then wake up at 600 am and go to work?

You must be EXHAUSTED! .................

Imagine this feeling multiplied by 3 as if you woke up then went back to sleep, woke up then went back to sleep, woke up then went back to sleep and then woke up for the day finally at six am.

Now add to that, incessant cawing like a crow in your ear each time you woke up and for thirty minutes while you try to fall back asleep.

Now add bloody breast nipples and an aching back.

And... you can't get a nap until, if you're lucky, 600pm.

That would be 1/ 365th of what it feels like to be NURSING MOTHER in the first year of a baby's life.


NOW IMAGINE:

The bleeding nipples, the cawing, the feeling of needing to go back to sleep AND...

there is no coffee left,

there are no groceries in the fridge,

there is a stinky dirty diaper flood in the bedroom,

the laundry is overflowing,

you haven't eaten a cooked meal in two months,

the bills are piled up next to the computer,

You have NOTHING to look forward to. No one is coming to relieve you at 600pm.

That would be 1/365th of what is like to be a SINGLE NURSING MOTHER in the first year of a baby's life.

MY LIFE LIST

I have been inspired by Mighty Girl to create a

LIFE LIST: a list of things I want to accomplish in this lifetime. I will add to it and cross off as necessary - I hope.

-commit to my life list
-play with my grandchildren
-drink wine and eat cheese on a street side patio in Paris
-become committed to practicing Yoga
-be committed to a blog about Claire
-see a broadway play
-visit a neighbourhood pub in New York
-live abroad ( for more than a few months)
-get married
-earn a masters degree
-have a signature meal that I can prepare without a recipe
- a signature scent
-have a good tailor
-live in California again
-read one good book a month
-be 15 pounds lighter than I am now.
-document all my family pictures which are on slides.
-develop my appreciation for classical music by, at least, knowing what I'm listening to and by owning more than one classical music cd.
-become a master level swimmer

not the houseplant kind.

I can just about take care of me, Claire, the house, the car and work. The houseplants, however, are S.O.L.

I'd like to be a houseplant person as, I imagine, being good at taking care of plants also means being organized, relaxed, peaceful and nurturing.

I'd like to be those things. I want to have sunlight streaming through a simple but cozy living room. I'd like to offer my guests hot tea with enough for a second cup always ready.
I'd like to listen like a monk whilst sipping a roobois.

House plants suggest security and earthy wisdom.

Alas, mine are all dead. I don't get too excited when I receive one as a gift. It's like bringing the thing to the hangman.

Wha happen?

Somehow the kid weasled her way back into my bed. She is in there now. Seriously?
I am out here, eating gingerbread, drinking pinot gris and watching American idol.

operation: run errands

Mission: to return a steam floor cleaner and purchase an SPF facial moisturizer with BHA

Mission must be planned strategically and then executed precisely else one or both tasks will not be achieved.

1) make sure it is neither too close to nap time nor too soon after waking. Must find the happy time which is somewhere in between.

2) tell child you are going to McDonalds

3) make sure purse is packed with distractions: doll, bandaids, iphone ( apps )

4) Hit Walmart due to McDonalds

5) go to McDonalds first and purchase fries as they take a while to consume.

6) While child is consuming fries, immediately head toward pharmacy isle. B line as time is ticking.

7) once there, ask a sales person to direct you to the correct facial product area so as not to waste time on location.

8) If sales person isn't there, move fast. Normally I would say ditch cart since maneuvering a cart in Walmart is time consuming. However, you have the steam vac on board so...

9) Do not attempt to compare prices. Grab the first brand that says, " SPF 30" and look for the ingredients. If the ingredients have BHA, Hot Damn - head to customer service

10) Return steam vac and buy SPF product. Look more carefully at the product once at home. If it's not what you need, plan another mission for return.

Note: Don't even think about perusing the ladies clothing or toy section. The kid is just one fry away from the Walmart Whine. Get your butt home and consider yourself accomplished for the day.