Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Rock it out now while you still can.

Today was a sureal, life lesson kind of day.
I was helping a family friend move her eighty two year old
mother who had been, up until today, living in the same house since she was married.
She Was a school teacher. She lost her husband years ago.
Her son ( our friend's brother ) had been living in the house the past few years and taking care of her.
He died.

Anyhow, our friend needed to go back to work, which is overseas, and somehow my mother and I ended up helping this woman move to a new 'assisted living' facility.

See? how did that happen? why us?
I don't know but somehow I find myself there today.

And it was CRAZY!

going thru her things and finding books, letters and photos from as far back as the 17 Century. ( stuff that had been passed on to her )
The toilet thingy
hanging out in the 'old folks home which is lovely, in a sort of creepy kind of way.
Her eyes...
Taking 35 minutes and three people to get her up off the floor after she had fallen down.

This is what I realized as a result:

I need to rock it out a little more. This body will only treat me well for so long.

So I've decided to make more of an effort to get out of the house! This means a concerted effort to seek babysitting and a social life and maybe even.... gasp - dating?

What about you gals? guys (?) Is there enough fun in your life or is the kid pretty much it?

Monday, August 17, 2009

My Single Mommy identity crisis.

This, I guess, is a response to you Tara! Since you were the only one to comment on my question.:) thanks...


The reason I asked this question about perception of Single Moms by Choice is because I'm not sure where I fit in.

From the day I realized that I would be making this journey alone, I've been seeking a community of other women or men in the same boat.

But I found that calling myself a 'single mom' did not direct to me to other women in my boat; It got me into boats, but they weren't the same.

First I found myself grouped with teen moms.
I was prioritized for the Mother Goose program, a program aimed at promoting literacy and connection between parents and children. I didn't realize why I was prioritized for this. It's an awesome class and it was great not to waitlist like everyone else but it felt wrong. I wasn't sure why I was getting this priority and I was embarrased to share it with my other mommy friends.

Also,as a result of a phone interview regarding a spot for daycare, I was slotted into a young mothers program, which cost less but meant I needed to attend classes on parenting.
I didn't know I had been slotted this way until I showed up the first day and, I admit, I was a little offended.
I know the administrator was just trying to do her job and this program seems like a great opportunity for young mothers. However, I was a 36 year old university educated, working, middle class mom. That was not the right place for me.

The next boat I was directed towards was the divorced mommy boat. During my maternity year, I was referred to a single mothers support group that I attended -once.
The group was supposed to have had daycare. So I wrapped my three month old bundle of collicky joy up one morning and headed to this group. I was hopeful that day.
But the daycare was filled with children over 5 and they told me they couldn't watch anyone under three.
Also, the group (of great gals) was 100 percent divorced moms with husbands to disect and school age children to discipline.
Incidentally they also gave away free bread at this group.
Hmmmm. I didn't fit there either.

So then I decided that I must be called a Single Mom by Choice.

I looked online to find:

This must be me, I thought.

"A single mother by choice is a woman who decided to have or adopt a child, knowing she would be her child's sole parent, at least at the outset"

But since referring to myself as a Single Mom by Choice, I have found that many people assume that I intended to conceive. Some people think I've received fertility assistance and some people actually believe that I "trapped" some poor innocent fella so that I could have a baby. By the way, I don't believe this EVER happens. I think it's just another way to blame women.

So, Tara,
I asked the question to see if I was using the right "label" for myself.
Based on your response, the label suits the contents. Your assumption was fairly close:
"Well, here's what I would assume, based on how I feel about being a single mom by choice. If you're like me, you were in a relationship that was toxic..."( Tara ).

My circumstances are/were this:
I was in a very short relationship that wasn't going to work. I became pregnant. I told him. He freaked out and wanted no part of it.
I thought about it and concluded that I was presented with a miraculous opportunity to raise another human and I wasn't going to turn this miracle away just because I wasn't married. I am JUST AS CAPABLE as a married woman to raise a child. I will just have a different challenges.

This is my Single Mommy identity:

I am Single
I am raising a child alone.
I chose to do that.
I did not choose to become pregnant.
I am not young and naive
I was not ever married
I do not have a biological father to contend with
I struggle financially
I am not POOR.
I work.
I study

So did anybody else out there have a single mommy identity crisis?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Single Mom by Choice?

I've been pondering this lately and I need some input:

I've been referring to myself as a Single Mom by Choice. Could you help me out and answer these questions for me.

What does Single Mom by Choice mean to you?

What assumptions do you make about my circumstances?

Much appreciated... thanx.

Monday, August 10, 2009


I survived.

Another one down.

I can now, after a full cup of hot coffee and silence for one hour, feel my body start to relax. My muscles are letting go of active duty.

Mondays are my break. Weekends are the push.

From Friday till Monday, it's full time interaction and vigilance with no respite.

someone to take her to the potty while I clean up the lunch; someone to make lunch while I build train tracks; someone to take turns going down the slide or lift her onto the climbing apparatus; someone to exchange glances with or to laugh with at her antics; Someone to take the lead in discipline when I've lost my mind ...

From the moment I open my eyes to see her excitedly staring down at me, till the moment I peak in and see that she is slumped into energy replenishing sleep, I am on active duty. Alone. Then it starts again the next day.

The best weekends are when I'm organized enough to have meals prepared in advance and a social schedule to meet.

The worst ones are when I have to make the meals amidst chaos, and we have no social engagements.

The summer is hard because many of our friends go on family holidays = no one to play with.

Weekends are when the married folk spend family time together = no one to play with.

The irony is in my Monday morning greetings with co workers/colleagues.

Oblivious Co worker: "Did you have a good weekend?"

Me: "yep."

Co worker: "they're never long enough are they?"

Me (cringing inside ) "nope."


Friday, August 7, 2009


having trouble focusing due to what is going on over at:


I hate the ' choices ' debate. I can't seem to intellecutualize on it. I just feel it.

It sucks.

am in recovery mode. ie: eating pretzels and hiding out under blanket.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

all "little creatures" are the same right?

I really dislike the resident manager and his wife in my strata.

I guess I should say, we have different points of view.

They are kidless people who complain A LOT ( with notes under the door ) about toys on patios or.. " storage containers that are not neutral in color"

I've made my opposition known - angrily and awkwardly.

Tonight, while C and I were on a pajama walk, as we do, we crossed paths with this annoying couple out walking their two dogs.

First the man smiled and made some comment about the weather. Of course, I smiled in return thinking " oh ok we make peace today then?"

The wife then comes up behind.

Now at this point I must add to the story that two days ago, the wife saw me struggling to carry C home while C was in full blown kicking and screaming tantrum due to having to leave the park.

Back to today. The woman approaches all smiles and comments, "she's so sweet" nodding to my daughter. I respond, " yes.. a little sweeter than the last time you saw her"

To which she replies, " oh... I totally understand. All little creatures ( looks down to miniature dog) have their moments"