Don't grow up too fast .. too soon...

Community festival today.

Was so preciously amazing to watch her participate in team activites.

My heart expanded as I watched her joyful abandon, running and smiling -looking around once in awhile for support from me.

I thought to myself, " so far... so good."

drinking heavily between 8 and 10

Apparently my night time routine is sucking. I thought, so naively,that after I had made it through 'the cry it out' phase when she was 8 months old, that I had taken care of night time issues for good.
OH HELL NO. I was so mistakenly proud of myself back then....
I am now experiencing what I truly hope is a phase called, I own you and everything in my world.
My child is controling me and it is working. By the end of the day, I am so exhausted. I sooooooooo need a moment to sit and relax free from duties. I am weak Weak Weak Weak. The child fully takes advantage of this, making demands every two to five minutes from her room: " I want mama!", " I want to go to the potty", I want music, I don't want music, I want pooh bear, I want more dinner...
The dinner one gets me in the heart.
My child is going to sleep after nine thirty. This is awful - for her and for me. Help!
Do other people's kids go to bed more easily than this? If so, oh please tell me how!!!!!

Words I repeat inspired by single parent dad.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE SWEETIE.
I hate this because I hear myself saying it all the time. It underscores the fact that I am always busy when Claire and I are in the house. This is another blog entry.

LOOK AT MAMA
I read this in some discipline book. eye contact is essential.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER/TO DO/ TO WEAR
like Single Parent Dad, this is a big mistake which I always regret instantly but I can't seem to shake the habit.

NIGHT NIGHT
repeated in a hopeful sometimes desperate tone every ten minutes or so between 730 and 930.

WHAT'S THE MATTER BABY?

WOULD YOU LIKE A HUG?
this is my way of difusing situations which are escalating. It's touch and go as to its effectiveness.

SI SENORA
drives her crazy. She responds with " NO!! NO sing ora

ARE YOU MY LITTLE ANGEL?
another one that often drives her crazy.

OK LETS HIT IT.
mean: we are late as usual. Lets go lets go lets go lets go!

OKAY OKAY OKAY!

A few thoughts on Cleaning:

No matter how many times I dry mop the floor, there are alway bits down there.

My room is so messy I'm considering sleeping on the couch tonight.

The swanky black painted ceramic, grill style new stove popular in the condo community, is presently the bane of my existence.

I am soon to start purchasing carpet stain removal by the pallet.

the inevitable dilema

When I chose to have my daughter on my own, I knew this day would come but between that time and now, I had forgotten.

It's here.

My friends are having second children.

I just found out yesterday that my last remaining 'single child' mommy friend is now pregnant.

I don't like to admit it but this made me sad...for a number of reasons:

1) Being an only child myself, I always thought that if I ever had one child, I would have another. There were many great things about being an only child, but nothing trumped having a sibling, in my eyes. Now, my daughter is an only child.

2) I'm selfishly and, perhaps, childishly, concerned that now i won't be part of the group. Having a group of mommy friends was/is so vital for me. I think it is for many women but I feel it may be more important to me because being single, I don't share with anyone else. Although I haven't known these women long, they are like family to me and C. They say it won't change things but, I think it will.
"We'll still be close" is what I told my other friends; the ones I hardly see anymore because they don't have children.

My friends are blessed and I'm looking forward to the new arrivals. I must also admit a little part of me would be terrified to do that first year again! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Truly. terrible.... ( for me ) and that's another blog post.
Anyhoo.
would love to, sometime, hear thoughts from any one else out there...

University kid.

Today after daycare p/u, C and I went for a walk to return some books to the library.

It was a sunny, crisp, windy day. We were bundled up. She with blankets and mittens riding in her stroller and me with my perma parka. ( life in the Great Wet/Cold North).

We went through the awesome campus with its amazing architecture and smell of study. We saw the remains of students at the end of the day. We went into the library and C said, "look mama There are lots of computers!".

While walking back home, I computed the obvious: my daughter is growing up at a University. She is becoming familiar with a University library, which is the gateway to knowledge, at two years old.

I wonder if she will recall these images as she grows and will she be inspired by it even though she is so young. Maybe she won't remember. Maybe she will!

I felt proud of myself for going back to school and bringing my daughter with me.

Then I realized, I don't think I brought her. I think she brought me.

What my world has come to:

hi-five mornings
dora evenings
cold, shallow baths with tub crayons
cold dinner
binge bad behavior on nites off

Oddly, I'm happy.