Never in a million years

The places and things I never in a million years dreamed I'd come to know and love.

Ah... to be pregnant and smug.





Tree House: "Big and Small", "Max and Ruby" "Four Square!" ... ya baby.

McDonald's: thank you so much. really.

Ikea: one dollar breakfast, booze in the cafe and my child is usually exhausted upon our return.

Indoor playgrounds! : disgustingly tacky doubtfully safe promise of a full cup of coffee

cereal bars: a guaranteed source of my extra 15 pounds but - mornings suck...

jelly beans: bribes

Reality TV: most direct route to totally zoning out.

Scotch whiskey: fuck em

Rock it out now while you still can.

Today was a sureal, life lesson kind of day.
I was helping a family friend move her eighty two year old
mother who had been, up until today, living in the same house since she was married.
She Was a school teacher. She lost her husband years ago.
Her son ( our friend's brother ) had been living in the house the past few years and taking care of her.
He died.
Suddenly.

Anyhow, our friend needed to go back to work, which is overseas, and somehow my mother and I ended up helping this woman move to a new 'assisted living' facility.

See? how did that happen? why us?
I don't know but somehow I find myself there today.

And it was CRAZY!

CRAZY STUFF:
going thru her things and finding books, letters and photos from as far back as the 17 Century. ( stuff that had been passed on to her )
The toilet thingy
hanging out in the 'old folks home which is lovely, in a sort of creepy kind of way.
Her eyes...
Taking 35 minutes and three people to get her up off the floor after she had fallen down.

This is what I realized as a result:

I need to rock it out a little more. This body will only treat me well for so long.

So I've decided to make more of an effort to get out of the house! This means a concerted effort to seek babysitting and a social life and maybe even.... gasp - dating?

What about you gals? guys (?) Is there enough fun in your life or is the kid pretty much it?

My Single Mommy identity crisis.

This, I guess, is a response to you Tara! Since you were the only one to comment on my question.:) thanks...

Well

The reason I asked this question about perception of Single Moms by Choice is because I'm not sure where I fit in.

From the day I realized that I would be making this journey alone, I've been seeking a community of other women or men in the same boat.

But I found that calling myself a 'single mom' did not direct to me to other women in my boat; It got me into boats, but they weren't the same.

First I found myself grouped with teen moms.
I was prioritized for the Mother Goose program, a program aimed at promoting literacy and connection between parents and children. I didn't realize why I was prioritized for this. It's an awesome class and it was great not to waitlist like everyone else but it felt wrong. I wasn't sure why I was getting this priority and I was embarrased to share it with my other mommy friends.

Also,as a result of a phone interview regarding a spot for daycare, I was slotted into a young mothers program, which cost less but meant I needed to attend classes on parenting.
I didn't know I had been slotted this way until I showed up the first day and, I admit, I was a little offended.
I know the administrator was just trying to do her job and this program seems like a great opportunity for young mothers. However, I was a 36 year old university educated, working, middle class mom. That was not the right place for me.

The next boat I was directed towards was the divorced mommy boat. During my maternity year, I was referred to a single mothers support group that I attended -once.
The group was supposed to have had daycare. So I wrapped my three month old bundle of collicky joy up one morning and headed to this group. I was hopeful that day.
But the daycare was filled with children over 5 and they told me they couldn't watch anyone under three.
Also, the group (of great gals) was 100 percent divorced moms with husbands to disect and school age children to discipline.
Incidentally they also gave away free bread at this group.
Hmmmm. I didn't fit there either.

So then I decided that I must be called a Single Mom by Choice.

I looked online to find: Singlemothersbychoice.com

This must be me, I thought.

"A single mother by choice is a woman who decided to have or adopt a child, knowing she would be her child's sole parent, at least at the outset" singlemomsbychoice.com

But since referring to myself as a Single Mom by Choice, I have found that many people assume that I intended to conceive. Some people think I've received fertility assistance and some people actually believe that I "trapped" some poor innocent fella so that I could have a baby. By the way, I don't believe this EVER happens. I think it's just another way to blame women.

So, Tara,
I asked the question to see if I was using the right "label" for myself.
Based on your response, the label suits the contents. Your assumption was fairly close:
"Well, here's what I would assume, based on how I feel about being a single mom by choice. If you're like me, you were in a relationship that was toxic..."( Tara ).

My circumstances are/were this:
I was in a very short relationship that wasn't going to work. I became pregnant. I told him. He freaked out and wanted no part of it.
I thought about it and concluded that I was presented with a miraculous opportunity to raise another human and I wasn't going to turn this miracle away just because I wasn't married. I am JUST AS CAPABLE as a married woman to raise a child. I will just have a different challenges.

This is my Single Mommy identity:

I am Single
I am raising a child alone.
I chose to do that.
I did not choose to become pregnant.
I am not young and naive
I was not ever married
I do not have a biological father to contend with
I struggle financially
I am not POOR.
I work.
I study
I LOVE BEING A MOTHER AND HAVE FROM THE MOMENT I FOUND OUT I WAS ONE

So did anybody else out there have a single mommy identity crisis?

Single Mom by Choice?

I've been pondering this lately and I need some input:

I've been referring to myself as a Single Mom by Choice. Could you help me out and answer these questions for me.

What does Single Mom by Choice mean to you?

What assumptions do you make about my circumstances?


Much appreciated... thanx.

WEEKENDS ARE HARD.

I survived.

Another one down.

I can now, after a full cup of hot coffee and silence for one hour, feel my body start to relax. My muscles are letting go of active duty.

Mondays are my break. Weekends are the push.

From Friday till Monday, it's full time interaction and vigilance with no respite.

Respite:
someone to take her to the potty while I clean up the lunch; someone to make lunch while I build train tracks; someone to take turns going down the slide or lift her onto the climbing apparatus; someone to exchange glances with or to laugh with at her antics; Someone to take the lead in discipline when I've lost my mind ...

From the moment I open my eyes to see her excitedly staring down at me, till the moment I peak in and see that she is slumped into energy replenishing sleep, I am on active duty. Alone. Then it starts again the next day.

The best weekends are when I'm organized enough to have meals prepared in advance and a social schedule to meet.

The worst ones are when I have to make the meals amidst chaos, and we have no social engagements.

The summer is hard because many of our friends go on family holidays = no one to play with.

Weekends are when the married folk spend family time together = no one to play with.

The irony is in my Monday morning greetings with co workers/colleagues.

Oblivious Co worker: "Did you have a good weekend?"

Me: "yep."

Co worker: "they're never long enough are they?"

Me (cringing inside ) "nope."

T.G.I.M!

singlemomsays

having trouble focusing due to what is going on over at:

singlemomsays


I hate the ' choices ' debate. I can't seem to intellecutualize on it. I just feel it.

It sucks.

am in recovery mode. ie: eating pretzels and hiding out under blanket.

all "little creatures" are the same right?

I really dislike the resident manager and his wife in my strata.

I guess I should say, we have different points of view.

They are kidless people who complain A LOT ( with notes under the door ) about toys on patios or.. " storage containers that are not neutral in color"

I've made my opposition known - angrily and awkwardly.

Tonight, while C and I were on a pajama walk, as we do, we crossed paths with this annoying couple out walking their two dogs.

First the man smiled and made some comment about the weather. Of course, I smiled in return thinking " oh ok we make peace today then?"

The wife then comes up behind.

Now at this point I must add to the story that two days ago, the wife saw me struggling to carry C home while C was in full blown kicking and screaming tantrum due to having to leave the park.

Back to today. The woman approaches all smiles and comments, "she's so sweet" nodding to my daughter. I respond, " yes.. a little sweeter than the last time you saw her"

To which she replies, " oh... I totally understand. All little creatures ( looks down to miniature dog) have their moments"

?

?

two year old and a bottle?

I've been a bit concerned about still giving C a bottle of milk at night. She is, after all, almost three years old. Tonight I got a big CLUE when I said -as I usually do, " do you want a baba with milk tonight, C?" and she responded,
"sure! I'd love one."



I was embarrassed for myself.

Don't grow up too fast .. too soon...

Community festival today.

Was so preciously amazing to watch her participate in team activites.

My heart expanded as I watched her joyful abandon, running and smiling -looking around once in awhile for support from me.

I thought to myself, " so far... so good."

drinking heavily between 8 and 10

Apparently my night time routine is sucking. I thought, so naively,that after I had made it through 'the cry it out' phase when she was 8 months old, that I had taken care of night time issues for good.
OH HELL NO. I was so mistakenly proud of myself back then....
I am now experiencing what I truly hope is a phase called, I own you and everything in my world.
My child is controling me and it is working. By the end of the day, I am so exhausted. I sooooooooo need a moment to sit and relax free from duties. I am weak Weak Weak Weak. The child fully takes advantage of this, making demands every two to five minutes from her room: " I want mama!", " I want to go to the potty", I want music, I don't want music, I want pooh bear, I want more dinner...
The dinner one gets me in the heart.
My child is going to sleep after nine thirty. This is awful - for her and for me. Help!
Do other people's kids go to bed more easily than this? If so, oh please tell me how!!!!!

Words I repeat inspired by single parent dad.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE SWEETIE.
I hate this because I hear myself saying it all the time. It underscores the fact that I am always busy when Claire and I are in the house. This is another blog entry.

LOOK AT MAMA
I read this in some discipline book. eye contact is essential.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER/TO DO/ TO WEAR
like Single Parent Dad, this is a big mistake which I always regret instantly but I can't seem to shake the habit.

NIGHT NIGHT
repeated in a hopeful sometimes desperate tone every ten minutes or so between 730 and 930.

WHAT'S THE MATTER BABY?

WOULD YOU LIKE A HUG?
this is my way of difusing situations which are escalating. It's touch and go as to its effectiveness.

SI SENORA
drives her crazy. She responds with " NO!! NO sing ora

ARE YOU MY LITTLE ANGEL?
another one that often drives her crazy.

OK LETS HIT IT.
mean: we are late as usual. Lets go lets go lets go lets go!

OKAY OKAY OKAY!

A few thoughts on Cleaning:

No matter how many times I dry mop the floor, there are alway bits down there.

My room is so messy I'm considering sleeping on the couch tonight.

The swanky black painted ceramic, grill style new stove popular in the condo community, is presently the bane of my existence.

I am soon to start purchasing carpet stain removal by the pallet.

the inevitable dilema

When I chose to have my daughter on my own, I knew this day would come but between that time and now, I had forgotten.

It's here.

My friends are having second children.

I just found out yesterday that my last remaining 'single child' mommy friend is now pregnant.

I don't like to admit it but this made me sad...for a number of reasons:

1) Being an only child myself, I always thought that if I ever had one child, I would have another. There were many great things about being an only child, but nothing trumped having a sibling, in my eyes. Now, my daughter is an only child.

2) I'm selfishly and, perhaps, childishly, concerned that now i won't be part of the group. Having a group of mommy friends was/is so vital for me. I think it is for many women but I feel it may be more important to me because being single, I don't share with anyone else. Although I haven't known these women long, they are like family to me and C. They say it won't change things but, I think it will.
"We'll still be close" is what I told my other friends; the ones I hardly see anymore because they don't have children.

My friends are blessed and I'm looking forward to the new arrivals. I must also admit a little part of me would be terrified to do that first year again! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Truly. terrible.... ( for me ) and that's another blog post.
Anyhoo.
would love to, sometime, hear thoughts from any one else out there...

University kid.

Today after daycare p/u, C and I went for a walk to return some books to the library.

It was a sunny, crisp, windy day. We were bundled up. She with blankets and mittens riding in her stroller and me with my perma parka. ( life in the Great Wet/Cold North).

We went through the awesome campus with its amazing architecture and smell of study. We saw the remains of students at the end of the day. We went into the library and C said, "look mama There are lots of computers!".

While walking back home, I computed the obvious: my daughter is growing up at a University. She is becoming familiar with a University library, which is the gateway to knowledge, at two years old.

I wonder if she will recall these images as she grows and will she be inspired by it even though she is so young. Maybe she won't remember. Maybe she will!

I felt proud of myself for going back to school and bringing my daughter with me.

Then I realized, I don't think I brought her. I think she brought me.

What my world has come to:

hi-five mornings
dora evenings
cold, shallow baths with tub crayons
cold dinner
binge bad behavior on nites off

Oddly, I'm happy.

Academics!

I am (figuratively )the gray haired woman at school. There are many levels to this experience. However, today, I just want to say how pretentious university can be. Nothing to do with my gray haired ness, just a view from the real world. How many times can we say, "binary" and "implicit" as well as "fragmented" and "decontstructed"?
I love the critical conversation, but it is certainly difficult to access.

Is daycare making a scrapper out of my girl?

I was a little concerned at the first shove. My sweet daughter kind of bullying the neighbor's sweet daughter. I chalked it up to inability to communicate her needs effectively. Then she did it again. I internally freaked out. What the heck is going on? She is typically very kind, generous and empathetic.
The neighbor's child was younger... and not nearly as strong verbally which could have been a factor. Perhaps C was trying to say something that the other child didn't understand? I was about to take C out of the situation and home due to bad behaviour when another buddy dropped by. C's behavior got better. So we stayed. This buddy was one of her pals from school ( daycare ). I observed them and eventually, the other guy got aggressive with the innocent one as well. It was awful!
There was enough parental supervision that no one got hurt and they are only two years old so they are not exactly capable of severe bullying. Yet, it was disconcerting and made me wonder. Is my child becoming agressive and tough due to the fact she is in daycare?
There definitely seemed to be more of a scrapper in the one's who were in daycare compared to this innocent one that was a SAHK ( stay at home kid ). If anyone is inclined, my question to the universe is: Is there a difference behaviorly between SAHK's and daycare kids?

Toddler books with one parent families?

Is anybody out there? I have no idea if anyone reads this blog or not. Although, having said that I realize there isn't much to read yet. And, perhaps, people aren't interested in 'negativity' which could be seen in my blog so far.

I started this blog because I wanted to connect with other single parents without having to join a single mom support group which, I have nothing against.. but I really dont' have time.

I just want to share my experience and read other's, because I know this exchange of info will be helpful to me in so many ways: parenting ideas, a sense of belonging, a place to outlet parenting issues so that my friends who aren't parents aren't burdened or in an uncomfortable position.

Anyhow - if anyone is reading - I could use some suggestions for toddler books that address single parenthood. Almost everything I've come across is about children of divorce. This doesn't work for me. My daughter's "dad" is not a part of her life AT ALL. This is his choice. So, I need a book where the family is a family with just one mom............................ Anyone?

kvetch

Oh and I had another person say she was in the same boat as me. Her husband sometimes doesn't get home until 7:00.

One good thing

Today I realized that a great thing about being a single parent is that you don't have to share the glory when your child impresses people: " She is so smart!"..... " She is very well behaved.".... " "You are doing a fantastic job".... ...thanks... oh really? well I try... thank you.

I realized this today because when I went to pick her up after daycare, I got my first 'talking to' by the staff. My princess had misbehaved - a lot. I felt sooooooooo embarrassed, worried, kind of ashamed and... guilty. It sucked not to have someone to share the blame with!